Finding My Own Place Between Cultures
I'm Mexican-American. Yep, I am a biracial QUEEN! :) My dad is proudly from the outskirts of Monterrey in northern Mexico, and my southern mom is from the Carolinas. I speak fluent Spanish- I'm a 2 in 1 package. Growing up, I really struggled a lot with my identity and the feeling of fitting in, specifically around how others saw me. Because I have lighter skin, I have heard a few choice words like "white passing," "a mutt", "white but bean flavored" (people are assholes, but we know this!!)...and some of those have followed me my entire life. I never really understood WHY I felt out of place, but I just did. Sometimes I wonder...do other Mexicans see me as a threat? Do they think I am trying to take something away from their experience or their culture? Maybe they feel I am pretending to understand a culture that I wasn't fully a part of or immersed in, or that my "whiteness" in some way dilutes or disrespects it...I have felt the tension, through parties where no one talks to me or someone acting like I'm not there. There are certainly white or fair-skinned Mexican people. I'm not some kind of oddity or something. Some people treat me very kindly and are accepting of me in every way, and I truly appreciate them. The truth is, I have never felt fully "seen" by either side, honestly. I may look like I belong in white America, but I have never truly felt like I fit in. But yet, at Mexican parties, especially where there are women I do not know, I have been outright ignored by women who assumed I didn't speak Spanish or maybe thought I didn't belong there...I'm still not really sure. It's true, I have not lived their experience, and I do have many privileges that I acknowledge, but this is ME. My childhood wasn't filled with classic American movies or those karaoke songs that play frequently, that everyone seems to know the words to, LOL. Mine had novelas, Spanish music, Mexican food, and a mix of Mexican traditions with American traditions. But even with all of that, I didn't feel "Mexican enough" for some, or "white enough" for others. Weird. For as long as I can remember, I have tried so hard to fit in and to feel like I belonged somewhere. Over the last few years though, I have finally felt that feeling. I am not so focused anymore with putting myself in a category that doesn't feel right. Instead, I have made a space that is for me that honors all of the parts for me, even the messy ones. Identity isn't about fitting into someone else's definition, even though I tried to do that for so long. It's about knowing and accepting who YOU are. I am so lucky to have such great friends who have made me realize that it's okay not to fit in a box. They think I'm fantastic actually! But not because of where I came from, or what culture I am from but because of who I am. I have tried my hardest to pass that on to my kids too, even though they don't feel like they have a "solid" heritage, they can still feel proud of every part of themselves, even when there isn't a "box" to check that fits them. We don't have to fit in, we just need to be true to ourselves.